America is the land of the free and the home of the brave, at
least according to my history books. My history books also tell
me that George Washington chopped down a tree, but that never
happened. However, this review is not regarding the vandalism
our forefathers commited or the accuracy of our textbooks. Unless
you just learned to read now and have been faking it until this
sentence, this is all about fast food.
But not just any fast food. Ever's yone knows that when today's
Wi-Fi enhanced, camera phone slinging, SUV driving and most likely
crashing citizens get hungry, we need food and we need it fast.
We need it fast and we need a whole lot of it fast so that we
can barely breathe when we're done. Fast food joints are those
havens for the hungry, those oasises between CVS and Wal-Greens
on the road. When you need food fast and you don't want to get
out of your car, they are there like your father to pat you on
the back after you scored on your own team's goal, losing the
game for your team and guaranteeing wedgies and wet willies along
with the old fashioned good ole' American asswhooping.
But this is not about my scarring as a child. This is about fast
food. And you know fast food is as American as apple pie - so
American you can even GET apple pies there, usually 2 for a $1.
With so many choices, it looks like the world is your oyster full
of grease and assorted processed horse parts.
But if Fast Food were American, Carl's Jr. would be as American
as the Taliban. I know there was an American Taliban member, but
I needed something to seem as anti-American and Nazis just didn't
fit. Besides, everyone knows that Jack in the Box is run by Nazis.
But this is not about nationalism and horrible metaphors. This
is about Carl's Jr. Primarily a West Coast chain of stores, your
friendly neighboorhood Carl's Jr. is ready and waiting to fill
your gut full of food faster than you can dial the paramedics
to save you when you're done. Offering the same extended menu
as all other fast food chains (with the shining exception of In-And-Out
Burger's menu, which consists of burgers and fries and that's
it) you have a wide variety of ways to deep fry dinner to your
personal taste.
But don't expect quality. No sir. Don't expect taste or even
edible food because you won't find it here. Instead, you'll find
the best way to ensure a sick day at work. You'll find burgers
so disgusting you'd swear they colored a sponge brown, dipped
it in grease dredged from the faces of a room full of adolescents,
charbroiled to perfection and slapped in a diaper for you so that
you can ignore the fact that 2 gallons of grease have replaced
nutrition. Imagine the cooks in the back wearing a bib that collects
their sweat and having them empty those bibs into the deep frier.
THAT'S what it tastes like.
But what about their other items, you may ask. And you may ask
that. Sure, I went on and on about how vast their menu is. Their
chicken, you might be wondering? Their chicken is dry and splinters
in your mouth. Their fish maybe? While fish items are a growing
item on many fast food menus, expect bottom of the toilet instead
of chicken of the sea. And their specialty items? Surely there
must be something that redeems this terrible chain food torture
barn! No. No. I'll repeat that again so that you remember it when
you walk in and smell that vinegar-and-buttfunk air freshener
in all Carl Jr. locations. NO. Even specialty items, such as their
Santa Fe Chicken sandwich, are devoid of taste. The Sante Fe Chicken
crapwich is also garnished with a green pepper that is supposed
to be spicy. It is not. It seems to have been replaced by some
undisclosed green substance that looks pepper shaped.
But why would anyone want to eat here then? How has the entire
chain stayed open? One word: stoners. If you know anything about
stoners, you'll know that any store that has a smiling star logo
and offers a huge amount of onion rings as their only saving grace
will do well as long as marijuana exists. There is no other scientific
explination.
So when you drive your SUV this summer, talking on your phone
while playing a PSP waiving an American flag while listening to
3,000 stolen MP3s on your iPod and doing other truly American
things while you get hungry for the 4th time that day, just remember
that Carl's Jr. is open...
SO BEWARE!
