The moment you turn the game on, it shows you how to play, not
in some shitty first level with guys you kill in one hit and who,
when they wear their red shirt later on, need more than one hit.
In fact, there are no kills in this game - even you don't die.
There is nothing in this game. There are no powerups per se, there
are no weapons and there is only one special move - moving faster.
That's not what is bizarre though. What's bizarre is that this
game was probably concocted by a Japanese guy forced into a closet
and forced fed 2 pounds of shrooms and forced to write code for
a video game.
The point of this game would go good here. The point is your
dad is the King of All Cosmos and he gets too "in touch with
nature" (also known as tripping balls, but they don't say
so) and he flies through the night sky and kills all the stars.
Not kill all stars like Marilyn Manson kind of killing stars -
the celestial stars of the sky. As his extremely small son, you
have to go to...Earth...which surprisingly, was not killed for
some odd reason and roll a katamari (Japanese for either "Happy
Fun Time Bukakki Ball" or "Clump"... my Japanese
is mighty rusty) and use it to pick things up.
What things? EVERY FUCKING THING. Everything that moves and even
things that don't. Everything. You see that mailbox? Roll your
shit over it and take it with you. That elephant looks mighty
huge, doesn't it? Grab that peanut eating motherfucker - he's
coming with us. There are a ton of Japanese style products you'll
see, since this game was made in Japan after all and the words
were the only thing translated and even that was barely done right.
You'll see a very Godzilla-ish character running around, a bunch
of oversized superheroes flying around and so on - and you'll
pick up little things, grow bigger and eventually roll over all
of them.
So this is where I talk about the gameplay. The gameplay is so
simple that my mom can whoop your fucking ass in this game. IF
you have thumbs, a pulse and half a brain, you can play this game.
Working like the treads of a tank, you use the joysticks on the
PS2 controller to control the roll on the left and the right.
Put both forward - you move forward. Pull them back - you move
back. Opposite directions and you spin like an idiot.
So why Tetris? Why compare a game about some Japanese hallucinogen
induced everything collecting to a game about God's square turds
fitting together and disappearing? Because of the repetition.
You can play Tetris over and over and know it's still going to
be fun. You can play this game over and over again because you
have to grab everything in a certain amount of time. And you'll
play each level a million times and still see if there's anything
left to get.
And the music! Holy shit the music. It's fucking awesome. It
spans from crazy Jap-pop to swing to night club/lounge music and
most is sung in Japanese. Know what they're saying? I don't but
I tell you I went and downloaded the soundtrack for the game and
I'll listen to it while I drive even. It's that good. At least
I think so.
So overall, if I had to give some kind of rating, I wouldn't
and you can eat a dick for wanting one. It's just a good game,
completely bizarre, absolutely out of hand and fiendishly addicting.
Now if you don't mind, I have to go figure out how I'm going to
pick up a schoolbus in 5 minutes time.
-Belmo
