Too many Oreos can damage your Aorta.
We're all aware of this. Rare are the households which at all
times have a box of Oreos in them. They are, and should be, an
occasional treat. We come home late at night and open our pantry/cupboard
to find a box of those chocolate cookie/vanilla crème treasures,
scoff at the recommended serving size of a mere 3 cookies, grab
a glass of milk (or an approximation thereof, both in terms of
the glass and the type of milk), and we don't stop until a sufficient
bounty of crumbs is accumulated around our plate, our shirt, and
the sides of our lips. Over the past several years, the Nabisco
scientists have become increasingly more cunning with getting
us, the sandwich-cookie loving free people of the Earth, to buy
their product by placing new, innovative spins on the classic
Oreo formula.
They did Double Stuf, they dipped the Oreos in Fudge, then White
Fudge (ooh!), then they shrunk them down to bite-size, then they
replaced the Vanilla crème with Chocolate Crème,
then they reversed the Oreos with Vanilla Cookie and Chocolate
Crème with the ingenious title, "Uh-Oh Oreo",
then they did a crème/peanut butter hybrid, then a crème/mint
hybrid which made you feel as you as though you'd just brushed
your teeth. I think they even infringed on Vienna Fingers' territory
and did the Vanilla Cookie/Vanilla Crème combo; a VERY
ballsy move for Nabisco considering I believe they own BOTH properties
anyway.
I know I've probably forgotten some varieties, but indulge me
as I get to my point; Nabisco crossed the line. I'm willing to
bet most people reading this review right now have tried more
than one of these variations on the classic Oreo cookie. We put
those delicious wheels of decadence in our bodies and unless you
worked out extra hard the next day as I sure didn't, we got a
little fatter as a result, a TAD less unhealthy.
Now before I go any further, here's your business lesson for
the day:
Oreo is made/manufactured by Nabisco
Nabisco is a division of Kraft Foods
Kraft Foods is owned by the Phillip-Morris Tobacco Company
Tobacco Companies aren't typically the most health conscious
of businesses, but recently they and their subsidiaries have come
under fire for their practices amidst a torrent of diet fads.
Whether due to pressure or by grand design/reform, Kraft Foods
and in turn Nabisco has launched this "Sensible Snacking"
campaign. Basically, they take all their original, well known
brands, Oreo, Honey Maid, Ritz, Triscuit, Chips Ahoy!, Fig Newtons,
and create new "Healthy" versions of them which can
be stuck in a package and contain no more than 100 calories per
bag/serving. A risky move for Nabisco and its parent corporations,
for sure.
So a little over a week ago, I come home to find a white box
in my pantry, which underneath the heading of "100 Calorie
Packs" has the familiar markings of "Oreo" on it,
but not in any manifestation I recognize. A closer glance at the
box marks them as being "Oreo Thin Crisps" and underneath
that bold type the description: "Baked Chocolate Wafer snacks".
Curious, I open the pack and slowly consume them while reading
the box for nutritional information. "How were they",
you wonder?
Nabisco simply has the Midas touch when it comes to giving out
their Oreo imprint. These little fuckers are tasty! At first one
starts to wonder why something given the name "Oreo"
would boast a Hexagonal shape instead of the familiar, simple
circle one would think make the most sense to identify with the
original product, and although this is still a problem for me,
I cannot deny that these little wafers serve their purpose as
the world's first guilt-free Oreo. So I finish the single serving
bag, my hunger satiated, content in the knowledge that I didn't
pig out, that my calories were counted for me (I'm trying to get
into shape these days), and as I go to throw out the package,
I happen to come across something on it that COMPLETELY slipped
my notice as I was eating.
They put Health Tips on each package!!! HEALTH TIPS!!! Tidbits
of supposed "Healthy Living Tips" from Nabisco who is
owned by Kraft "Easy Mac" Foods, who is owned by Phillip
"Killed more Americans than Fucking World War II" Morris
Tobacco!!! Not only is this completely moronic and unnecessary,
but these tips sound like they were written by an old Jewish Grandmother,
or more to the point, MY Jewish grandmother!
Here are a few of my personal favorites. Imagine an old Yiddish
lady reading these off to you for maximum effect:
#78 (out of 100): If you're eating out, consider eating half
at the restaurant and bagging the rest.
#28: Eating Out? Choose Menu items listed as baked, broiled,
grilled, poached, or roasted.
#13: Start a walking club in the neighborhood; it's a great way
to combine exercise and a chat with friends!
#3 Pack your own lunch and you'll have greater control over what
you're eating.
I could go on and on, but out of the ones I've seen, these were
the most bewildering. In summary, Oreo Thin Crisps is the one
redeeming product by a succession of corrupt and unhealthy industries,
but they should stick to making delicious and healthier innovative
snack foods and stay out of common-sensical health advice which
seem to be targeted at a bygone era of desperate, undereducated
housewives trying to watch their figure so they can "please
their man". I'm off to find something else to obsess over,
and find out if my grandmother is moonlighting as a creative consultant
for Nabisco… it's uncanny!
