I hate traffic. I mean, "hate" traffic. I have a attention
span of gnat on meth overdose. I get bored very easily. Music
totally rocks in the car. If your not moving though, that kick
ass Social Distortion song, seems meaningless. I listen to a lot
of very loud, offensive music. I can't roll down my windows unless
I'm doing like 75 miles an hour. I'm not a prick and do not force
the good citizens to listen to the filth I blast in my whip. So
anyways.. I was in the local bookstore one day and innocently
enough I was digging through the bargin bins. Behold a book on
Compact Disc format. It was a Star Wars book on audio. For a mere
5.99, how could I go wrong? I could bask in the further adventures
of all my favorites: Chewie! Han! The fat pig guys from Return
of the Jedi!
I was embarrassed to purchase this thing. I really was. I felt
like I was buying some weird freakish porn. The kind where people
suck off goats. (Not that theres anything wrong with that, Gods
furry creatures seem to like some hardcore anal every now and
again) Well, after sweating out the transaction, I ran to my car.
I put the cd in and BAM! I was hooked!
(DISCLAIMER: If you intend on taking a woman on a date who is
not a Sci-Fi geek, proceed with caution. Having some gay-ass book
on audio about the further adventures of Luke Skywalker may not
be a sure way into the pants of most young ladies. END DISCLAIMER)
I stopped caring about all the morons who couldn't drive! I was
too caught up in all the Star Wars fun! I was magically transported
to another place. My mind was running. My imagination was getting
a workout. I loved it.
Pretty soon, I was off to another book on audio. Then another.
Pretty soon I had amassed quite a few.
Now because I enjoy this so much, I have figured out some cool
ways to really enhance the book on audio experience.
1. Drive somewhere far. Make sure it's desolate and barren. Lots
of trees or down by the water.
2. Do it late at night. Make sure it's a weeknight and no one
is on the road.
3. Get an iced latte. Get extra Caramel. Get the venti. Get it
before you get high.
4. Pop a few painkillers and smoke a joint
(Step 4 is crucial. It detaches one from reality and allows you
to really get nice and fucked up. Now I'm not condoning this.
I am a seasoned veteran. Do not attempt my silly stunts at home.
Also if any Police Officers are reading this, please disreguard.
You know I'm just playing)
Books on audio rock! There are so many genres too! Anything
you can think of is available from self help to quitting smoking.
Of course all of this story had to end somewhere twisted and dark.
I met one of my peers who enjoys books on audio as well. I knew
this would happen I knew this temporary feeling of what I was
doing wasn't all that dorky. Enclosed in the final portion of
our story is a cautionary tale of whom you might meet in the books
on audio section. You have been warned. Alas please enjoy the
comical misfortune which ensues...
It was Sunday. It was Fathers day. It was a balmy afternoon.
I had decided to grab my dad a last minute gift card. So he knows
that I give a shit. Especially when I used to steal money from
his wallet when I was a young tyke. Matter of fact, which was
last week.
I couldn't resist. I had to look at the books on audio. I was
in a rush to have dinner with my father. Yet I couldn't help but,
feast the eyes on all the new crap that had come out.
He was a large man. A lumbering mass of flesh, perhaps carved
of pulled pork. His southern drawl was captivating and at the
same time annoying. He had several Books on audio in his hands.
Most of them comic book related. Perhaps because he had never
been among geek brethren with a passion such as his, he felt it
necessary to speak. Maybe as we all are at one point or another,
he was simply, lonely.
" I enjoy the old serials, the stuff from the 30's and 40's.
Superman, Orson wells and stuff of that nature", he said
shyly. I nodded and tried to play along with his conversation.
We bantered back and forth for a few moments and then I wandered
towards the dvd's.
I would end up in the fantasy Sci-Fi section. Then the large
southerner sashayed his ways toward me. He mumbled something about
the recent wave of old television shows making they're way to
DVD. He then informed me that he wished "Time-Trax",
was brought promptly to DVD. I knew then that I was dealing with
a nut. "Time-Trax" sucked. I remember avoiding it at
any cost during it's syndicated run in the early 90's. No matter
what I said, this man followed me. I knew I was in trouble. I
tried to ignore him. To pretend that he was not there. This did
not work. Finally I informed him to have a happy father's day.
I then darted out the door, not looking back. Leaving the large
southerner to his own twisted devices.
I have been working on people's cars lately. Occasionally I
find a books on audio in the front seat. I've noticed that most
people who listen to them are extremely weird or intelligent or
both. So I came to a conclusion not to confront other books on
audio fanatics. They are a strange and cowardly lot. It's best
left alone, our secret dirty passion. In the end, enjoying books
on audio, is a great pastime. Just be careful whom you tell. Of
course I just told all of you. Hopefully I will get some help
for this affliction.
